We are meant to value people and use things, not value things and use people!

The inspiration for this blog is a series of events that have unfolded over the past several weeks in my life. When things happen and emotions find their way to the surface, I automatically ask myself, why is this happening and why am I feeling this way? We more often than not, tend to point the finger to the other party assuming that they have caused us to feel this way. However as my wonderful teacher Geshe La explains our culture is very self-centered and we believe everything revolves around us....and then he so eloquently says and I quote: " It’s not about me me me and I I I, it’s about how we can take the attention off of ourselves and focus on how we can help and benefit others." To which he usually adds that the one time we should point the finger at ourselves is when we feel such emotions as sadness, anger, irritability, fear, shame, anxiety, worthlessness etc and acknowledge that not a single human being can cause us to feel this way, that we are responsible for how we feel and that it is our job to analyze our own minds and figure out where these emotions are coming from. Generally speaking, they arise from feelings of attachment and expectation towards others which causes us to suffer on the inside. With that said, I would like to speak about our relationships with others and how we can ensure that these meaningful relationships thrive and survive in this day and age. How we are meant to value one another instead of material things and not the other way around.


As any self-respecting, independent and intelligent young woman would do, I consulted with someone older, wiser and an expert extraordinaire in her own right on how to make today’s relationships not only work but bring meaning to our lives....my mom, Divna. Before I share her wise words, here's a tiny bit of history on her. Mom has always been a spiritual seeker and lover of life. From the time I was very young, she shared all her readings with me and taught me how to meditate and keep a still mind. My home growing up was flooded with every self help book imaginable and VHS videos to match (remember those). She attended seminars, which she usually brought me to, and was always determined to discover the inns and out of living and maintaining an authentic, compassionate and happy life. With that said, after a 1 hour conversation with her tonight, she very simply said; "my sweet daughter, the "secret'' to healthy, happy and fulfilling relationships of all types, from mother to child, friend to friend or of the romantic types is....drums please, they need watering." Ooooooook mom I said, I was expecting something a little more in depth but ok, "what do you mean?" I said. Let me say this first, my home always had plants in it. My mom always loved plants and flowers and she took immaculate care of them, watering them, giving them nutrients, wiping the leaves ever so gently and yes, she would always speak to them as though they were humans and would tell them she loved them....I am not even joking. I always thought she just had a green thumb and frankly I believed she was a little kooky. Little did I know, Divna was on to something. So back to the watering of our relationships. So she continued, "Sasha, relationships are like plants, if you don't water them, they will first start to droop, then the leaves will dry up and finally, they will die and fall off."  Equally, relationships need attention, they need watering or nurturing  in the form of love, affection, recognition, mutuality, compliments,  care, concern  and most of all,  reciprocity. And if we don't nurture our relationships, they too will die. She explained how there is a dance we dance with every person in our life and how we need to learn their favorite moves ( methods of communicating) in order to have good relationships with them. No relationship is the same or requires the same moves so we need to groove to the beats of every individuals song. She then expressed her dislike for virtual communication and how it has managed to strip relationships of their authenticity and purpose. Which I have to say, I partly agree with. On one hand, we are hiding behind words and avoiding real communication but on the other hand, we often feel more comfortable expressing ourselves this way then face to face...but nothing replaces a good phone conversation or face to face laughter.


My mother then continued to tell me how 4 weeks ago I hurt her feelings when she called me and asked why I hadn't returned her calls and I replied: because I was trying to give my children my undivided attention....she took great offense to that insinuating that she did not matter or was not worthy enough for me to take her call. So she cried for 1 entire week over this instead of calling me back and telling me how she felt. I replied by saying, "mom, you know me better than anyone else, do you really believe that you don't matter to me? Would I intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings let alone yours,  and perhaps you were feeling lonely and needed validation and approval and that was the reason you interpreted what I said the way you did?" What had been a debate ended with her admitting that all she wanted was to hear that I loved her. Do you see how easily things gets distorted and blown out of proportion? I then acknowledged her feelings were hurt by apologizing for the way I worded my comment.


 So friends, as an amazing researcher has found, Dr. Brenee Brown, vulnerability in relationships is the key to success. Saying what we mean, meaning what we say and asking for what we need is necessary. She explained how after a decade of research, she had uncovered that every single living and breathing human being is most afraid of being vulnerable because they are afraid that it will come across as weakness. When in fact, all any of us want is to be loved, understood and accepted just the way we are. So she put the theory to the test in her own life with her husband and children. She had a heated argument with her husband one day....and as often before, she retreated to her bedroom and was angry and frustrated. Then, she walked back downstairs and decided to be vulnerable...she told her husband that she felt very hurt when he said what he said and he expressed that he felt judged and criticized for expressing how he felt. Wow! Almost instantly, they both realized that there was total miscommunication, she understood something very different from what he said and he interpreted her reaction in a totally different way then she meant. The argument quickly turned into laughter as they both realized the wires got crossed somewhere between wanting to make their points known and their egos desire to be right. Tada! Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable allows us to avoid a lifetime of miscommunication.


Have you ever had a conversation with someone, where you felt like they were not acknowledging your feelings and it left you feeling a little bit sad and invalidated? I know I have on multiple occasions including this week. But here's the question, how can any of us know what the other person is thinking unless they tell us right? So this is where vulnerability comes into play. The truth is, EVERYONE wants and needs to feel validated by their loved ones. And when that dance or balance isn’t there, the relationship begins to suffer. What typically follows is desperate behavior because you are seeking this validation so badly. Instead of going down that road, how about vocalizing your emotions. For instance, you may say something like, I know you've been busy lately, but I miss you and feel a little distance between us and what would make me really happy is if we can set aside some time to spend some quality time together and reconnect. The other person might answer saying something like, you are right, I have been really busy and distracted lately and it’s not that I don't care about you, because I do and I am sorry you felt this way. Yes, let’s find time that works for both of us and reconnect that would make me happy too. Voila! Communication, validation and vulnerability all bundled up in one. No fingers pointed, no bitterness, no anger but pure truth.   I experienced something similar this week with a close girlfriend of mine. I felt there was distance between us, for a while now, and I just simply adore her and felt a little chagrined. So I sent her a little text saying: “I feel like there is distance between us. I feel torn between accepting the natural flow and progression of our friendship and wanting things to stay the way they always have been. I just want you to know that I love you so much and miss you." I received a phone call shortly thereafter and she expressed how she felt hurt by something that had occurred and that she took a step back because she didn’t want to get hurt. We quickly both realized that we both felt hurt for absolutely no reason and all we needed to do was talk it out and communicate better because we both just needed validation. She then said how glad she was I brought it up because she didn’t want our friendship to change either.


Well friends, relationships are work. If you want good ones, they take effort. But remember; try to listen with the intention of just listening and not necessarily responding. We are so busy trying to figure out what we are trying to reply with that we often miss the purpose of the conversation. Let’s call it active listening or compassionate listening. If someone expresses they are struggling with something, acknowledge their feelings and try to offer sound advice. Balance is key in every relationship; it should be a natural give and take. Now go and enjoy all the wonderful people in your lives.


Peace and love to you all xoxoxo Sasha.